Why it is impossible to date as a professional distance runner
Initial stages of relationship...
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Me: Yes! I would like a club soda with lemon.
Guy: Want to go out for drinks?
Me: Yes! Except I don’t really drink. And I have to get in bed by 10 or so for a workout in the morning—so maybe something else instead?
Guy: What about coffee then?
Me: Yes! Except I can’t really get hopped on caffeine with a 10pm bedtime.
Guy: Want to go out to dinner?
Me: Of course! Except my metabolism went missing when I turned 25, so I now have to kind of be careful as to what I eat. Sucky, I know. How do you feel about sticking to my DIEt? Did you know beets help your VO2 Max AND taste like dirt?
Guy: Want to go out dancing?
Me: I looooove dancing! But my Achilles has been on the fritz lately, is there anyway to dance without moving my legs?
Guy: You said you like hiking?
Me: I love hiking and outdoors. Mostly from September- November. The other part of the year I can run on trails outside, but I don’t like to do a whole lot of physical activity outside of my scheduled physical activity (practice).
Guy: Need a cigarette?
Me: Oh, you smoke. You're cool and all, but this is not going to work, sorry.
If by some miracle, I manage to actually make it past the first date….
Me: Want to meet my friends? They are very cool. They don’t drink or go out, but they do enjoy board games. Oh and they will probably want to be home by 9 or so. Catan from 7-9pm. Oh, and our conversations will probably be based entirely around numbers, times, biomechanical issues and other runners.
Typical runner conversation: My glutes were so tight, but I managed to run 8
4s in 66 with 2 min recovery. Katie killed it though! She averaged 63s even after 2 weeks of cross training.
Me: Hey hun. I know we were watching Breaking Bad together, but I accidently finished season 2 today while you were at work. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help it, and I thought I could lie about watching it without you.
Me: Hey babe. My calves and feet are so tight. Can you give me a massage? I’ll critique you while you do it! You’ll be great. Even if you aren’t great, I will probably insist that you give my legs a massage multiple times a week. Isn’t that wonderful!?
Me: Hey cutie pie, you want to watch a movie tonight. I have trouble not falling asleep though. I’ll probably just watch 15 minutes of the movie, and you can finish it and fill me in! I want to pick the movie!
The long term problems…
Me: Hey baby. I have to go to Europe for 3 months for my job. I won’t be able to call you a lot, and the time change will make it virtually impossible to actually interact with you except via twitter. I will be surrounded by fit 23-30 year olds who all have the same interests and lifestyle as myself. But no need to worry! I’ll see you in September!
Me: Hey sugar. So I need to move next month because a really great training group is forming 2000 miles away. I like you, so if you want to uproot your life plan and follow me, that’d be great!