Friday, December 27, 2013
(almost) Endearing talents of profesh runners
To counterbalance the "why professional runners can't date" I have amassed a list of qualities and talents most professional runners have!
TALENTS USEFUL FOR THE PRELIMINARY DATING GAME (You know, the things that make us attractive)
We are very up to date on the current TV series. Excellent dating conversation fillers. Uncomfortable silence is easily transformed into a who-really-deserves-the-throne Game of Thrones hour long analysis.
Also related, we can marathon a tv series like nobody's biz. Being highly competitive cannot be turned off, and this competitive drive gets translated into marathon watching a TV series with the sole purpose to finish said TV series. FYI Battlestar Galactica will suck in your soul with a minimum 3 week time commitment. Need water cooler cliff notes on the latest cool series? You're welcome.
We can binge drink like college sophomores. Our racing schedule primes us for a binge and fast environment. Couple that with a competitive drive, and that handle of whiskey is downed and metabolized before you can say "Naked wind-sprints in the front yard!" Self preservation is completely eradicated. Want to party hard? Find a group of runners the last week of September. Slow and steady may win the race, but sporadic consumption of large amounts of alcohol wins the fun.
We have at least 5 karaoke performances ready to be put to use. As professional runners, we are essentially performers, and nothing makes us happier than a good performance. If for some reason Bonnie Tyler's vocal chords failed mid concert, and she said, "Quick! I need someone to carry on the show! You, Phoebe, can you do it?" I am 100% confident I could turn around and dramatically rock out to "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
We are card sharks. In Europe, you think we'd be out site-seeing, but that cobblestone hours before race time is treated as lava. Thus leaving plenty of time to play cards.
We have an excellent physique. How do I get this body you ask? Easy! I work out 30 hours a week, 50 weeks a year. Anyone can do it.
TALENTS USEFUL FOR COMMITMENT (You know, the things that make us useful to keep around)
We are excellent travel buddies.
We are gurus in domestic airports. We know where to get a decently healthy meal in all international airports.
We know never to fly through O'Hare. No one makes it out of there alive.
Runners can tell how much time has passed. In The Hobbit and want to know if you have time to eat another box of Sour Patch Kids? We can give you an estimated time frame.
Our circadian rhythms are like a fine tuned NASA space watch. We know what time it is at all times, every time. You no longer have to carry a pocket watch. PHEW. Go ahead, lose track of that time, baby, because I surely won't!
We know where everything is in relation to everything else within a 10-mile radius. This can be easily converted from distance to time.
Most professional runners are poor. Which sounds bad. But most of us know how to make a $15k salary stretch for a year. Budgeting is a natural, necessary thing. Plus, in the words of not Kanye West, I'm sayin' I ain't a golddigger.
The low financial income makes us non materialistic! No need for that diamond ring, baby! I'd be as happy with a blender!
We can cook!
We spend hours a day thinking about our next meal. The financial and dietary restrictions have made going out to eat reserved for special times, thus making us resourceful, excellent cooks.
OTHER SKILLS THAT HAVE NO REAL WORLD VALUE
We can watch someone walk and tell them what shoe and model would be best for their gait. Not the most useful of skills, but maybe, just maybe, I can prevent one boyfriend from suffering plantar fasciitis.
We have a working knowledge in nutrition, weight lifting, genetics, exercise physiology, motivational psychology, group psychology, biomechanics, massage, and anatomy.
Now who wouldn't want to date a talent like that.