Tuesday, December 30, 2014

New New Year's Resolutions

PHOEBE’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE TROUBLE WITH NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!

Normal New Year’s Resolutions:
      1.       Get in shape
      2.       Go to the gym every day
      3.       Eat healthy
And these are great goals! But they are also greatly unattainable. Why? Because they are lofty and ambiguous and you aren't a superhero. You probably start the plan on Jan 2nd full force, and make it until probably mid January—late January if you have insane self-discipline. And then flat line. One excuse turns a year of eating away your guilt of another New Year's Resolution Failure.

Here’s the list of much more attainable resolutions:

     1.       It is now referred to as “training.” Training is what for-real athletes do. You are now a for-real athlete.

     2.       Invest in decent gear.
Let’s get some shoes! New shoes can keep you motivated for a month/however long before they become smelly (whichever comes first).

A GPS watch! And download one of those apps (like Nike+). This is great for those overly competitive people to be overly competitive with other overly competitive people. No more secret competitions with the random person on the elliptical beside you anymore!

 Pick a friend, invest in fuel bands, pretend fuel points are dollars and collect them like Donald Trump! Richest at the end of each month wins. 

Decent headphones! Listen to books on tape and become smarter and fitter at the same time! Gosh! You are so efficient with your time! I recommend Malcom Gladwell’s books—they are instant conversation starters and make you look wicked smart.

 Head lamps! You, my friend, are not a slave to sunlight anymore. You just created more hours in the day for exercising.

Water bottle! A really good one. One that would be a pain in the ass to clean if you put something like, let’s say, Coke in it. This is your primary drinking vesicle now.

    3.       Vow to put on exercise clothes once a day. I’m not saying you have to exercise, but I am saying if you went through all the trouble to get dressed, you may as well run around the block at least.

    4.       Find a class/group that meets once a week to exercise. Group runs, spin class, yoga. It should be as much of an obligation as work is. Peer pressure is a powerful thing. Ask the college kids.

    5.       Make a friend in said class/meeting. My least favorite subject is History. You know what my favorite class was in 6th grade: History. Why? Because my brand-new BFF was in that class. It was the only time I had to impress her enough so that we could be friends outside of History class
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    6.       Wednesdays are now called Run-And-Treat-Yourself-Day. Drive to your favorite restaurant, bar, dessert place, coffee shop and run from there. Run out and back and treat yourself at the end of the run. You’d be surprised at how motivational food can be--ask my dog. Or myself.

    7.       Pick a big hyped race to run. Exercising without a purpose sucks. This provides a purpose and a potential for bragging rights.

    8.       “Commercial Abs.” During your favorite TV show, do abs/push-ups/squats during the commercials.

    9.       Say away from the cookie aisle in the grocery store. Sometimes I watch my dog completely disobey my frantic scoldings just to slurp up that crumb I dropped. She’s completely oblivious to all consequences. This is what happens to humans in the cookie aisle. I recommend sprinting past it actually. You don’t get tempted and you get an extra .01 miles on your weekly mileage!


   10.   Start over on the resolutions every month. Buy new gear, pick a new class, run from a new favorite place, watch a new show to do the commercial abs, train for a new race, and, for the love of God, continue to avoid that cookie aisle. 

2 comments:

  1. my problem isn't the cookie aisle...it's the potato chip aisle. But I get what you mean. Oh yea, bragging rights are huge. Thanks for the insight.

    ReplyDelete